For This I Have Prayed
I’ve been told to protect my temple because one of the biggest blessings from life is to birth a child. A child that I’ll be responsible for loving, raising, and then one day hoping they will do the same for their own offspring. As I become older, the urge to begin my own family grows stronger. I’ve heard that no matter how you prepare, you’re never truly prepared for a child. As my urge for this child grows, so does my worry. I don’t worry about if I will love this kid because I know my love will be immeasurable. I worry if I’ve already been tested in this area and failed.
I was probably 5 when I wrote my first piece of poetry and if I had to recall what it was about, I’m sure it was about rainbows and happiness. I would spend my years writing when I was happy, writing when I was sad, and writing when I didn’t quite know how to describe how I felt. It was my safe place in the midst of a childhood that sometimes left me feeling confused, inadequate, and weary of the future. I wrote frequently until one day I didn’t. Writing wasn't one of those things that kids enjoyed like kickball and playing tag. It’s often been polarizing to the point that it left me alone because my peers just didn’t hold the same agenda. Writing has been draining. At times it had brought me so much joy but it often brought to the surface a reflection I wasn’t familiar with. Writing was my first child. It was what God had put on my spirit to birth and because I assumed I wasn’t ready for the responsibility that it brought along, I neglected it.
Have you ever prayed for direction but once you received it, you weren’t quite sure if you wanted to venture down that path? Have you ever asked for the universe to speak in your favor and when it does, you question if this is what you really want? You become overwhelmed with the thought of having to take a tiny seed and nurture it so it has the possibility to grow into a forest. I was given the responsibility of loving and raising it but as they say, no matter how much you prepare...you are never fully prepared. My child was put into hiding over the years only to make an appearance when most convenient for me. These were times when I wanted the comfort of something familiar or when it made good conversation. I had failed. My child die a thousand deaths while still resting peacefully within my spirit waiting for me to finally grow up and be the guardian it needed.
My own intangible child had been implanted years before I knew how children were made. If this was my test then in all actuality, I had squandered any hope of raising it to its full potential. The beautiful thing about life is that sometimes we are granted second chances. I decided to put my pride aside and raise my writing. I decided to take my dream from just a small seed and grow it into the garden that would not only sustain me but those around who came for soul food begging to be fed and replenished.
I still do believe that one of the greatest gifts is a child but I also believe that this doesn’t always come in the physical form. Your dreams become your children and even when it seems that you won’t be able to take care of them...you can. You take care of them to the best of your ability and let them know that they are just as worthy as any other dream to be big, brave, and unstoppable. Sometimes it will leave you feeling ostracized because you have to make sacrifices which may include sleepless nights and taking a step back from friends who have yet to give birth. No matter how much you prepare, you’ll never be ready but you just always have to be willing.
You have to be willing to protect your gift. Protect your dreams and your talents as if it is your first child and you’ve never seen something so perfect. Protect it when people dare to grab it from your fingertips as they whisper that you’re unfit. Protect it when people tell you of how they failed at protecting their own. Protect it when the cons begin to outweigh the pros and you start to wonder if this is what’s right for you. Protect it as if your legacy lives within it because it does. People will tell you that it can’t be done but just like physical birth-it’s painful, messy, dangerous but so worth it.
What is a gift that you’ve been placing on the backburner? Let’s chat below in the comments!