Thank You, Ex-Boyfriend
We haven't talked in a while but I pray to God that you're doing well. Our paths have crossed on a few occasions in these past 2 years but usually with harmful consequences. In fact, every occurrence has been a reminder that our parting was what was needed for my full growth. I don't know what your personal life has been like but I hope that karma hasn't been completely rough on you.
I've been seeing this man for the past few months and he's a breath of fresh air. In so many ways, he lightens a load that I've been carrying for years. The load you left me to carry when you ended our relationship out the blue and left me stuck, confused, and suddenly single. I didn't know it at the time but God worked through you. He knew that I didn't have the courage to end a relationship that never should have been so He made you His mouthpiece. I cried the night you left and to be honest, it was like my rebirth happened right there in my best friend's bed as I reflected on my time lost. The chains of our oppressive love had finally been broken and I was ready to live...to thrive.
Though I didn't keep any personal trinkets from our relationship, your presence is still felt. I still wonder if a man is fully capable of loving me without cheating on me. I still wonder if I'm attractive without heels and a full face of makeup (which you preferred). I still wonder if I deserve to be yelled at or berated. I still wonder if making up colorful excuses excused the fact that you were not man enough for me. These are the gifts that you left for me and I've done my best to rid myself of them but no one wants to claim these as their own.
What you didn't realize when you left me in August nearly two years ago was that I had been praying to be delivered from our relationship. I had been praying for God to have His way with me and make me whole because honestly I hadn't felt like my full self for a long time. My life took off from that August and lucky for me, I haven't stopped blossoming since.
I wanted to just say a word about this good man. This good man, that I wasn't quite sure would ever find me after being so depleted from our venture, is nothing like you. He's gentle when I expect nothing less than rigid. He's calm when I expect raging waters to overtake me. Fully opening up to him has been an uphill battle and I'm not sure if I'm fully there yet. He is a good man and this I have no qualms over. All of my insecurities, my flaws, and old behaviors who seek to make their presence known have fallen peacefully into the lap of this good man. The Kamil he knows is strong, caring, and intelligent. He only has my personal recaps of my rage, my tears, my foul mouth, and my pain inflicted by the person I said I loved. I've had to do some serious praying and I now realize that God wouldn't send me half a person but I did settle for one.
This letter isn't to berate you but to thank you. Thank you for reminding me that God and the universe think so much of me that they would provide me with another chance. Thank you for relinquishing yourself the duty of loving a woman like me with no apologies so someone else would be granted the pleasure. Thank you for the let downs because it made it so much easier to identify a come up. I wouldn't be the woman I am without you. I wouldn't be able to pour myself into another so freely had I never known the hurt of not having this feeling reciprocated. Thank you for reminding me that God loved me so much to end a chapter that I had pained myself to continue.
My hope for you is that you'll never love a woman like you loved me. I pray that you'll find a woman, your perfect match, and remind her of how strong God's love is. I hope that through you, she sees how faithful He is and how on time He is. I hope that our relationship prepared you to do right by someone. I hope that you find someone ready to take your good and bad and love you for exactly who you are.
The One Who Got Away