How These 9 Words Changed My Morning
You're a constant reminder that God is still good. I sent those words in a message the other week and didn't realize how profound they were until I took a moment to reflect. Although my words were targeted and very intentional, I didn't realize how relevant these words are to every facet of my life. I stand amazed that with all my downfalls that God still saw it necessary to pour into me.
Just two days ago I allowed this blog to go live and I am in complete awe. You all remind me of God's love for me. The love that I have received from this has been overwhelming. Writing these entries have been freeing but also a reminder of my past. These entries have served as a reminder of days where I didn't feel valued, days I didn't feel worthy, days I cried until I couldn't anymore, and days where I just wanted to give up. Although I'm happy with how this is coming to form, it is very sobering.
My fear was writing these posts and being judged. That is one of my biggest fears: being judged. Just like anyone else, I've made a lot of mistakes but I believe it is human nature to not parade your shortcomings. We aren't programmed to celebrate the lows as we do the highs which is a dangerous habit to form. We beat ourselves up when things don't go as planned, we shut ourselves off from the world when our relationship ends, we disconnect when we leave the job that we actually hated. We don't celebrate situations like the aforementioned ones because in the moment...they seem so finite. We don't realize that our current mess is a part of the bigger message.
Writing has freed me in so many ways. I never fathomed that my writing would be able to free someone else. I never imagined that the girl who years ago felt so alone could actually connect with someone who had never been through her particular situation. I remember after my accident trying to recover while staying at my parent's house. I spent the majority of my time in a wheelchair beside our large sectional couch screening calls from people who told me that "God makes no mistakes". I thanked them for their well wishes and when the night would end, cried myself to sleep. I cried for several reasons but mainly because I had no clue what the future held for me. My faith had been snuffed and to be honest, I wasn't so trustworthy of the promise God had on my life. I cried for my friends who would never see their 21st birthday or any other important milestone in their life. I cried for their families and friends because I couldn't begin to imagine their pain of losing a child. I cried for myself because I often questioned what God did that day. I questioned His reasoning for taking away such perfect people from the world who had so much to offer but leaving me.
I could not see the silver lining in any of it. I started writing about the aftermath of the accident and the impact it had on my life. I wrote about missing Briana and Victoria so much that it physically hurt. I wrote about feeling secluded because so called friends had turned their backs on me. I wrote about how I must have forgot to pray the day of the accident and God was punishing me. I wrote whatever I felt on my heart and didn't care about commas, periods, capitalizing letters or anything that made writing "good". I wrote because it freed me and this seemed to be all I had. I posted these in a tumblr account that I rarely made public but some how, people managed to find it. My innermost feelings were at someone else's fingertips and I couldn't control what they did with it. People would see just how how much I was struggling although my pictures showed a completely different view.
These past two days have brought everything full circle with my writing and with my accident. Six years ago, I really questioned what God was doing or better yet, where I had went wrong to receive this short end of the stick. There was no good. My friends were dead, I was struggling, my name was being dragged through the mud and people still expected me to find the good in it all. People reassured me that all things happen for a reason but certain things just shouldn't happen. The blessing wasn't the accident but what I was able to do from that accident. All the things I've been able to accomplish over the past 6 years is a constant reminder that God is still good. God has done His best to remind me that even though I counted Him out that one November morning, He already had something up His sleeve.
I don't know what anyone is going through. I have no clue what storms you're trying to brave or issues you are currently trying to get over. I want to encourage you to reflect on all the bad things in your life, the letdowns, the bad company, and think on just how much these have affected you...positively. It really is hard to see the good but sometimes the things you go through in life aren't for you. Sometimes you're just the messenger. You never know who you may free with your story.