I Give Up
Growing up and even into adulthood, I've always believed that my only option was to keep moving forward. No matter how tired I was or how far from my destination I may have been, there was my only option. This weighed heavily on me the years following my accident because my pain had an unexplainable hold on me that wasn't visible to the human eye.
I tried my best to wake up every morning and act like nothing had happened. Truth is, I was living two seperate lives. One life was the young college student trying to graduate and the other one was a young lady trying not to slip too far under. It was a constant tug of war between what I had expected life to be and what my life had turned out to be.
I spent hours writing in a journal that would never see the light of day trying to comprehend my feelings. I failed miserably at trying to retrace the steps of memories that weren't there and probably with good reason. I looked at everyone around me and wondered how one action could have changed everything even though this was pointless. I beat myself up to no avail and was still left with the same result each time.
I was broken. It was that type of broken that happens instantly but is never fully repaired. The type of broken that allows you to move on but not completely as pieces of you slip through the cracks you couldn't mend. Outside of myself, I blamed any and everyone I could lay eyes on. The people who hadn't asked me if I was okay, the people who possibly heard it in voice, the ones who visited my hospital and then disappeared, and those who poured their well wishes into my inbox were all the same.
Though it was ever present, my faith was shaky. I didn't grow up in the church but through the years I've been able to develop my own relationship with God. I prayed to God night and day and even before I would eat. I was faithful or so I thought until the day my accident happened. I wondered if I had forgotten to pray the morning of November 20th or maybe I had avoided prayer my weeks prior and this was my punishment. I was here physically but that was about it since such a significant part of me was left in my hospital room. A shadow of my former self that I was sure would never reveal herself again in this lifetime.
If we are talking faith then let me be honest. I was mad and I wondered how anyone could say God bless me when He had taken away so much. I wondered how I could pray to a being that had flipped my world upside down even though the rest of the world continued moving as if nothing had really happened. I was upset and my prayers(when I did pray) showed this. They were laced with anger, doubt, and resentment for a God that I felt had abandoned me.
I won't go into details but a lot of people fail to realize how much of a significant role this accident has played on my everyday life. I couldn't begin to explain the behind-the-scene stuff that was slowly draining me and preventing a 7 year gash from healing. It was last year when I was presented with the possibility of things coming full circle and I was terrified. Terrified of bringing up old memories and terrified of the new memories that would burn a place in my soul. This was all solidified for me last week when everything I had been dreading turned into a reality.
I was no longer preparing for what could happen...I was preparing for what was going to happen. I had no option but to get ready for this game of dodgeball where I was going to be an unwilling participant. I was trying to play it cool but I had hit my lowest of lows. I had no one else to turn to and no else to blame so I fully turned to God. I prayed like I hadn't prayed before and asked for a strength unmatched to handle what was coming my way.
I simply gave up.
I didn't give up on life or myself but I gave up on the idea that I could do this by myself. I gave up on the idea that God had forgotten about me and wasn't a man of His word. I gave up on my own sight and decided to walk by faith. I had nothing else to offer to the universe at this point but someone who could fully admit they were afraid and for once, didn't have the answer.
I wish I could tell you what God did in my life in a span of a week. I prayed for nearly 7 years and it seemed like God always had something better to do.
I had failed to realize that God wasn't going to move in my life until I decided to move out His way.
I had been so busy trying to handle this situation solo that I didn't tag my best partner into the match. The moment I decided to give in and give up, my life transformed in ways that even a few days later, I can't understand. The only answer that comes to mind is the fact that my God is bigger than my problems.
From the outside, it is like I had been reading the book of my life and I couldn't get through this one specific chapter. I read,reread, underlined important parts but the text was always too much and too heavy. God took that book and said, this chapter is done and you can continue. He pressed play where I thought that had been a glaring stop though it was just a pause. A pause that forced me to revisit who I was and whose I was. My life story took that unexpected turn and I was served up a chance to start fresh. I was no longer the antagonist but the protagonist and I had the power to save the day....my day.
I want to encourage you if you're going through hard times to give up. Give up the idea that you have to handle everything yourself. Give up the idea that you're weak and no one understands you. Give up the idea that you don't deserve better and better is never coming. Give up whatever idea that has kept you bound in an invisible cage. Give up and start praying to who or whatever it is you pray to and watch things begin to change. It won't happen instantly, remember it took me 7 years to see my prayers weren't falling on deaf ears.