Lessons from Loss
Times like this tempt you to drown in the bottom of a wine bottle but I opted for words. I feel like I’ve had my share of lows to balance out my immense highs. As well acquainted as we are , this time the grief feels so unfamiliar but so tangible.
My dad passed away on December 2nd and if I had to be real, I’m writing this from a dream. I’m in bed snoring and this will only be a figment of my imagination once I wake up if I even remember it at all. This has been an out of body experience and I’m watching myself and judging my every move.
He had a stroke the night I got back into town for the holiday. Long story short but I practically stayed with him and my mom at the hospital during this time . The hospital became the meeting spot of families hoping for the best and planning for the worst. Then there was us.
We hadn’t had the typical relationship in years because we were each other’s mirror image. We both had attitudes. We both were stubborn. We both wanted to be right. My teenage angst carried into adulthood prevented me from seeing the forest for the trees and that he was human too.
You don’t realize now what I’m doing but later you will understand. Jesus said this. You know how people say they are only here because of God? That’s me. My faith has been the anchor to pull me back when I’ve felt as if I could float away. My faith has been the mustard seed in my pocket letting me know it’ll be okay. My faith has been that gentle reminder that God is all knowing and His will is purposeful.
Questions I had often pondered about my future now have definitive answers. Who will walk me down the aisle? What will my kids call him? Who’s going to give me real talk when I need it the most? Just like that, he’s not an option. The things that once seemed so far away have found themselves in my view.
The feelings of regret I have wrapped in this loss is palpable. So much hope to get it
together and start anew. Eyes so focused on the future that the present is here and barely recognizable. But God.Sometimes(a lot of times) God gives us the exact opposite of what we pray for as a test. God has been here for many moons and will continue to be once we are long gone. Are we faithful enough to still cling to Him when the flesh is saying to lash out? Are you willing to say come what may even if what comes isn't out of a picturebook? If you answered yes then God is willing and waiting to be your strong tower. If you answered no then there is still searching for you on this journey in faith. Luckily for you, no one expects you to have it all figured out including Him.
The entire time in the hospital I had wanted to apologize for how I had acted over the years. Each time I found myself too nervous and too prideful to actually do. It wasn’t until Friday night that I had a chance to speak my peace and he acknowledged me with a head nod. I told him I was going back to DC, loved him, would see him soon, and kissed him on the forehead. This was the last time I saw him.
In times like this you go to God with your playbook of what did and didn’t go right. You recalculate every move in your head to create a better ending. You pinch yourself countless times to remind yourself that it’s real. I've been told time heals all wounds but I'm left asking how much time? I believe this and know it to be true but waiting is the hardest part. Eventually, I'll move forward and step out of this grief into a new chapter. A chapter that provides a gain from this pain and a lesson to be learned. Eventually, I'll move forward. That's what faith is all about. .