'Tis the Season
In retrospect, the times God seemed so distant was Him busy at work in my life. My purpose was sitting on fertile soil and He had to prepare me for what was coming next. He took me through a season where all He did was break my soil and loosen it up. That’s a significant step that we often want to circumvent. Regardless of how hard we try; we can’t bypass the necessary steps needed for God’s harvest. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking God has messed up. Imagine that…the man who created the world couldn’t get little old me right. How naive to project my human ability onto a being that can quiet a ranging strong; tangible or intangible.
I’ve dedicated a lot of time wondering how to get it right based on every standard, but God’s. It takes so much energy to keep up with the ever changing trends, but God’s word is solid. Trust me, I’m new to this so this walk is shaky at best. I feel a little bit more sure in my step knowing that it’s a whole handbook at my disposal. I would have laughed you out of your shoes last year if you told me I’d be pressed to go to church. Now I can’t get enough. I just bought a bible and it’s such a dope experience being able to read it. I legit sit, read and reflect on this man who knows the smallest of details about this universe.
I marvel at my own being because God did this. He created me in His image even all the things I still find time to dislike about myself. He has built and shaped me into a person who has a place somewhere in this overwhelmingly large world. A world that often calls for us to hide ourselves in hopes of being received by the masses. My growing love for Him is reflected in my capacity to love myself. I pray that He continues to reveal me to myself so that I can treat this new Kamil a little bit better this time around. I pray that I let Him uproot me so long as He sees fit so I can untangle these weeds that have kept me bound within myself. I pray that someone who was like me not long ago can get in on this action.
I used to believe that God didn’t have space for me and I couldn’t have been more wrong. The one word that’s been at the forefront of my mind during my bible readings has been abundance. Life sometimes feels like an overwhelming amount of bad stuff happening at each corner of the world. I’m talking about the type of stuff that breaks your spirit and throws salt on an open wound. While this is sometimes true, it’s also a lot of good. It’s a lot of everyday moments that are completely enveloped by unspeakable joy. Like many people, I’ve been through a lot of stuff. I’m working through trauma, old and new, so I can learn to define myself by more than the pain I’ve endured. Long story short: I don’t want to hurt anymore and I don’t want to be that sad girl. However, for a long time this was all people thought of me. Sometimes I even thought this was the major theme of my story. I was defined by my least palpable traits.
The joke is: God really did provide me double for my trouble. The end of 2017 spiraled into the worst few months of my adult life. I felt a feeling that had not long since stopped buzzing in my ear like a mosquito on a sticky NC night. I felt like God had forgot about me. Instead of fighting Him like I had years prior...I surrendered. I haven’t been the same since. God has moved so many mountains for me during a time I assumed that my soil was barren and would produce nothing of value. He’s been pushing me in ways that I didn’t know were possible, but it didn’t come without some tears on my end. I’ve had to lose one thing for every two things I’ve gained and I’ve lost a lot. Now, imagine what I’ve gained and you’ll understand why I say God is so real.
I wish everyone could know this feeling. I wish I could have welcomed this love in years ago because it probably would have saved me so much heartbreak. Life moves fast and all it takes is one moment for it to be flipped upside down. I can imagine if you’re reading this that you’ve experienced world-rocking change like this at least once. The times will come and they’ll put up a good fight, but you have a partner to tag into the ring. Don’t for one second believe that you have what it takes to do it on your own. Go to God and let Him fight your battle. Let Him guide your steps and equip you for the journey ahead.